Laan's Story: facing the facts

Cancer is nothing.

It took nothing from me.

It gave me everything I needed except one thing.

Cancer gave me wisdom.

It gave me strength.

It gave me compassion, empathy and perspective.

It did not however prepare me for what would come.

Cancer is why I found myself in a worse predicament, it is why I was hurt more then I had ever been hurt in my entire life.

It was not emotional hurt, it was physical hurt. I was helpless, unable to move.

My will to exist and be mentally strong was all I had to survive and save myself.

I was hurt due to a stupid accident, which I'll explain in detail in a moment.

Emotionally, cancer prepared me, but it was my cancer the lead me on a path of pain.

My internal strength, coping with cancer, made me think I was undestructible.

The universe slapped me down to try to prove otherwise. It slowed me down, but ofcourse I rose up once again. I believed my will was in my mind and soul. I learned it is deeper, my will thrives in an internal space somewhere I had not known existed.

I had no idea I would be forced to prove my resilience at the most unopportune time.

There was a moment before the accident that I felt a shift in my existence. An internal knowing that I had crossed over into another realm; a parallel universe, metaphorically.

It was while riding. I felt the moment there was a shift and the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground, my neck in a brace, my body wasn't my own. I could hear his voice calling my name, over and over, as if he didn't know if I'd survive.

I was thrown off our new Harley swerving from an animal. We hadn't even made the first payment and here I was broken. I was extremely uncertain of my state.

Although my memory is spotty leading up to the hospital stay, I remember vividly my thoughts of, "Is this it? Cancer didn't kill me, but my intention to live without boundaries did? Am I in the room designated for the patients they can't help?"

My will was strong facing my reality and finally I was told I had 9 broken ribs, 2 in multiple places. Well, no wonder I am in so much damn pain. "Help me!" I verbalized this to a nurse. "Nine broken ribs and you haven't given me anything stronger for the pain?" At one point they tried to flip me over to check for further damage. "No, NO, NO!" There was no way. I could not move without being in excruciating pain. They lost that battle, my butt would need to wait.

The PT and OT had me walking in a day. I barely made it the first time and walked further later in the day. I needed to get to the bathroom and manage on my own. That was my only life goal those first few days.

Each day I was determined to do more, pushed to get better and forced myself to rest without concern. I needed to get home for my kids for Thanksgiving break. My mind was set.

After 4 days of terrible TV, decent food service, round the clock vitals checked and a loud 98 year old roommate, named Majorie, who did not like being touched, I escaped the hospital trauma center, located across the state.

Ten days later I was prepping a turkey. It hurt like hell, but my oldest son helped put the turkey in the oven and pulled it out as often as needed. My youngest helped clean. And my sister came and filled in the blanks. It came together and it was our first Thanksgiving in our new home. Almost one year to the day we moved in. I wasn't going to allow Thanksgivng to fade away, we did it as a family and it was better than I'd imagined. I didn't know how, I only knew it would be.

I share this because I was so concerned my accident would become a negative for my boys, instead I was able to churn it into something else. I became a walking testament of strength and will and courage.