the cancer card

The Big "C"

Why does it need to be so big?

Cancer has so much negative connotation that it gets morphed into so many things. The more it creeps into our society's lives the bigger it becomes.

Cancer had become it's own entity.  

We breathe life into something that should be put to rest.

However, flipping Cancer over on it's side and crafting it's life given nature, magically crafts a tool to be used during the most opportune times.  

THE CANCER CARD!!!

Let's be fair.  The word cancer evokes emotion.  

Fear - 😨

Care - 🤗

Sadness 😪

Hopelessness - 🥺

Understanding - 😘

WORRY - 😟 

EMPATHY - 🥰

We all relate on some sort of emotional level.  

Possibly someone you cared for has died from cancer.  Perhaps you had it or fear that you will.  

Since Cancer comes in so many shapes and forms we never know exactly what a person's cancer entails without asking more questions.  Asking questions can be evasive so without more information there can potentially be a block.  

An emotional wall of misunderstanding.

Cancer! 
That is a Card! 
Hold it up.

Create an emotional blockage wall.

It will either push people away or pull them in as soon as you hold up that card and it  allows for an shift energy.

 It stops them in their tracks. 

I have used this card on occasion.  

It rarely works with my own family as they know it's only an excuse.  It translates to mom needs help. Please help me!! 🙏 

I have used it in situations that I needed help to allow me space or allow me to escape.  Escape?  Now what does that even mean?

My "Cancer Card" became a tool on the day I needed it the most and I must say I do not regret it one bit.

My Cancer Card Story:

I planned a mini weekend staycation to spend some much needed time with my college roomier who was visiting with her beautiful daughters. 

When I checked in to our beachside hotel, I was offered a free cruise and a week long vacation to listen to the brief blah, blah, blah.  Honestly, I heard free and vacation and of course I said where and when and made the dreaded decision to put myself through a time share sales seminar.  

I have done these before and at one point, years ago, I purchased an old school week timeshare and enjoyed many wonderful vacations.  

I have since lived and learned and feel planning my own vacation is by far an easier process.  I do enjoy a good deal and even encouraged my college roommate to join me in the process.  

We had the entire weekend to catch up why not add a future trip in the mix?  What the pesky timeshare folks did not know was teaming us up, two strong, independent single women would be to their demise.

We politely listened to our very nice sales man trying hard to be our friend. We patiently sat for a well planned out PowerPoint presentation with a second seasoned engaging salesman. He assured us this was a 'zero' pressure process.  

Fundamentally, it could have been a good deal if they had only offered up the cost a tad early in the process. 44K for air was simply not in our budget.

Back with sales dude number one, towards the end of our time, and after pushing for our social security numbers, (which we 

of course didn't provide) our patience was at it's limit.

Enter third sales guy.  He sits in front of us and shows us a final number to insult our intelligence.  Let's just say.... Florida did begin selling swap land, so why not finance points on paper?   

My girlfriend played bad cop, while I played good.  She put the final sales guy on edge when she asked why they were so pushy when we were promised no pushy salesmanship?? She debated with the guy briefly and once again expressed her desire to not make a purchase.

The exasperated timeshare salesman looks at me with a touch of defeat, as he musters up a glimmer of hope, looks at me and asks, "How about you? How do you feel about this final offer?" He looks at me as he pushes the final, much lower, offer towards me to review.  

I stated exactly what I was feeling, openly and honestly.  

I AM Sooooo TIRED!!!

****pause****

I Have CANCER! 

With that, the guy stopped talking. We politely stood up and claimed our prize! 

We eagely exited the 11th floor to enjoy the rest of the day with our kids.

That folks is a well played Cancer Card. 

It is scary.

There is no sugar coating the truth when it begins with, "You have Cancer." 

Those words are etched in my brain like a monument of despair.  They scream at me without making a sound.

It becomes a shadow in your reality of what is and what isn't.  

I believe we all process such a diagnosis differently.  We can accept or deny or do.  We may look for external support or form a bubble for our most trusted friends and family.  We may approach one way and then shift gears and try something different.

The truth is, no one really knows how they will attack the truth of cancer until they have it. And how it filters to the world around us is truly an unknown.  

I have been through so much.  I have taken on the world and pushed through many hardships.  My life has been a series of positive experiences and disappointment.  

Every nugget of happiness has it's sad counterpart.  

My mind, body and soul are made up of all that has been good and all that has been bad.  That is how we evolve in this ever changing world.  

However, I must admit, this in a different realm of existence.  The unknowns related to being sick are different each day.  There is zero control.  There is no definitive end game. (This is the hard truth) 

No one knows how things will progress, it is up to each individual person.  The physical, mental and emotional burden is a tryfector that each person must manage the best they know how.  

Each aspect intertwines like an octopus grasping for survival within.  Our mind is compromised.  Our body harmed.  Our state of emotions are unrecognizable.

When people ask me, "how are you doing?," I often don't even know.  Just when I think I'm doing really well, cancer slaps me down, laughing, poking me with symptoms, reminding me, it is still here.  

I have needed a reason to tell a new story.  This is not the story I would wish on anyone, but I needed to share all of it, including the fear.  

I will share how I learned I had cancer.

I will share my dark space of acceptance.  

The tears of agony that no one will ever see.  

I will share the strength only I know I am capable of.  

I will share the weakness I often hide behind a joyful smile.  

I am living with cancer.  I will share my truth.  The highs and the lows.  It's the only way I know, writing and sharing is what will help me thrive and survive with gratitude. 

This journey isn't pretty, yet it will imperfectly paint a picture of what it means to truly survive in an arena that has no boundaries. 

Today I am alive. Today I will live.