Those words are etched in my brain like a monument of despair. They scream at me without making a sound.
It becomes a shadow in your reality of what is and what isn't.
I believe we all process such a diagnosis differently. We can accept or deny or do. We may look for external support or form a bubble for our most trusted friends and family. We may approach one way and then shift gears and try something different.
The truth is, no one really knows how they will attack the truth of cancer until they have it. And how it filters to the world around us is truly an unknown.
I have been through so much. I have taken on the world and pushed through many hardships. My life has been a series of positive experiences and disappointment.
Every nugget of happiness has it's sad counterpart.
My mind, body and soul are made up of all that has been good and all that has been bad. That is how we evolve in this ever changing world.
However, I must admit, this in a different realm of existence. The unknowns related to being sick are different each day. There is zero control. There is no definitive end game. (This is the hard truth)
No one knows how things will progress, it is up to each individual person. The physical, mental and emotional burden is a tryfector that each person must manage the best they know how.
Each aspect intertwines like an octopus grasping for survival within. Our mind is compromised. Our body harmed. Our state of emotions are unrecognizable.
When people ask me, "how are you doing?," I often don't even know. Just when I think I'm doing really well, cancer slaps me down, laughing, poking me with symptoms, reminding me, it is still here.
I have needed a reason to tell a new story. This is not the story I would wish on anyone, but I needed to share all of it, including the fear.
I will share how I learned I had cancer.
I will share my dark space of acceptance.
The tears of agony that no one will ever see.
I will share the strength only I know I am capable of.
I will share the weakness I often hide behind a joyful smile.
I am living with cancer. I will share my truth. The highs and the lows. It's the only way I know, writing and sharing is what will help me thrive and survive with gratitude.
This journey isn't pretty, yet it will imperfectly paint a picture of what it means to truly survive in an arena that has no boundaries.
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