Laan's Story: my sons

Before I recieved my official diagnosis there was a space of time I was I'm limbo; I knew the probability of what it would be, but I wasn't in the position to be open with my boys until I was certain.

This was, by far, the most difficult aspect of my journey.

I share most everything with my sons and I am proud of our honesty together as a family.

I was nervous I'd burden them, but I also needed them to understand life would change, but we'd be okay.

I would be okay.

I think back remembering my fears knowing I did not want my boys to feel that fear.

Four months later and I now know I handled the process as well as I could.

My sons have been my strength in many respects.

They are the reason I am stronger.

They are the reason I have courage.

They are my foundation in this journey.

The moment I knew I had to process cancer in my life was the same moment I processed the thought of not being there for my sons. It broke me down to pieces.

'I would never leave them.'

That was a concrete fundamental truth.

I began to rebuild my emotional state, my perspective and my life, piece by piece.

MY BOYS

My oldest turns 15 in two months. He makes me laugh because he gets it, yet he can spin life into a lighthearted banter.

He loves with his whole heart and expects nothing in return. I never knew I would be as proud of him as I am, simply for being himself.

We are similar in so many respects that we understand one another immensely.

He will make cancer jokes feel so natural, coming from a place of love. As if laughing releases all the negativity associated with the disease.

He can talk to his friends about cancer as if it is the most normal aspect of his life. I know he gets this from me. I know he is handling things well.

My oldest is an extension of myself, but so much more as young man.

He will thrive and find peace.

In our home, cancer is one of many things in our lives. It is not the only thing. This is our survival and this is how we move forward.

My younger son, who is nearly 11, is different. He will joke with us, however, he will also worry and take care. He is resilient and sensitive. I honestly do not know the impact all this will have on him until he is older.

My goal is to ensure he doesn't remember this being a negative time, but more of an honest and bonded time. There are lots of Love Yous and Hugs and questions. He will scold his brother to care for me if he knows I'm having a rough day.

My younger son is intuitively wise and will move mountains for me one day. He is the one I worry about at times, although I also sense his experience will alter his future in a positive way. I want my baby boy to understand no matter what happens in life, our perspective and attitude will change our minds on how we choose to live our lives.

My younger son is a natural born leader. I envision him influencing many people as he gets older regardless of his chosen path.