Laan's Story: unspoken words

I haven't blasted the fact I have cancer to the world. I was choosey about who I told and when. I don't know why I did that.

When I am honest with myself and think about it, I figured it out. It is the initial reaction, the weirdness, the shock, the blank stare, the unknown words. It is all of the above. I did not want to be the cancer patient, nor the friend or relative with cancer. It was all too much.

Sometimes people don't know what to say. Or there is an underlining pity of being sick. Or it is just hard for someone to grasp your reality, especially if they haven't walked that path before.

I do love connecting with people who have had cancer and hearing their struggles or how their journey was. Those people show up organically and at just the right times when I need it.

No matter what the cancer or how the person survived, there's a common demononator, the unspoken, "I get it. And I understand and it's going to be okay." Oh and by the way, 'you look great!'

I love hearing that, because often I don't feel great, but to know it doesn't show is nice to hear.

Sometimes being the person with cancer becomes the burden. We are the ones reassuring others, their concerns and fears are also ours. That's the piece I don't love. I don't want anyone to ever feel sad or worried or scared for me.

I have felt the fear. I have felt the unknown. I have felt the insecurities.

I do know, the more I push, the more I can handle. My capacity becomes limitless. I find new ways of gathering courage and I give myself permission to understand my own reality without misunderstanding the whys. This isn't easy. Don't let my calm disposition fool you. It is never easy, but I won't tell you that.

I see the questions on people's faces. I sense the words they won't always speak.

I want to fill in the blanks and answer the questions people may not think they can ask. I will always answer honestly, but I will make sure you hear the good.

The thing is, I'm the same person, but I'm not. I am nothing like I'd imagine. I smile even when it hurts. I am mindful of the little things and more at peace then you'd expect.

Although my body is compromised, my heart is expanding and giving as much possible. This is how I am surviving. Love for myself. Care for myself. If I falter my body will respond with negativity. Yet, I am still present for my boys and managing that thing called life.

Feeling Good is Being Good.

I will never give up, as I have too much to live for, but I would never want to forsake the moments I have. That is what we can't tell you. The reality of "what if,' is the reality I should have always lived.

Each moment becomes more meaningful. If I feel good, I'm moving forward. I want to feel good to continue moving. The road blocks are not as big as I was expecting, but I don't know what's to come.

The reality is always there, as a shadow of myself, whispering the truth.