FREED

My last treatment was January 31st. 

It was anticlimactic. 

I felt it should have been more of a relief.

The weight of my diagnosis was so heart stopping, there was no way getting to the other side of it would compare. Ending something bad that I worked so hard to normalize for my family simply became a part of my life that I was no longer going to need. 

It was good, but not good enough. I rang that silly bell. I took my photo. I would never forget the process or the haunting memories of potentially not being there for my family. It was real and surreal at the same time. I ended this chapter quietly within my heart and soul. 

I now have a new beginning.

My body will bounce back better than ever.

But was this enough?  

 

I had already taken 'good' scans about 4 or 5 treatments before I was completely done with all twelve. This means my cancer was gone, but the chemo would still continue for a few months. 

It was a bittersweet reality; one I did not feel excited about. 

'Yeah. You're cured, but please continue to put poison in your body. 

Finish this ordeal, just in case.'

This is why I felt conflict.  

I made the decision to take my family on a vacation at the end of the year. My hope initially involved being complete with chemo treatments. The accident prevented that from being a reality, however I felt a need to push forward and make the year end on a positive note. 

2021 would not be the year I was sick or had broken bones; it would be the year my family spent New Years Eve in New York City. I did this to change the narrative of how we'd recall this period of our lives. I changed our minds.  

O4f course, outside of my crazy hair color changes and my shorter hair, my kids really didn't know much about my treatment schedules as they were in school. Also, if I was not feeling 100%, sores, my stomach, or just not myself, life was normal, at least for my boys. I did that with intent, yet I still needed to end the year on a high note. Probably just as much for my own well being as for them.

I felt compelled to make significant memories in a place I already loved and was close to my heart. My mission was more than successful. I made the best decisions possible at that time.

Today, I am ready to live 2022 healthy, happy, with better perspective, and more compassion. I am choosing to be in the moment, more mindful and more deliberate in all that I choose. I will not take anything for granted, including friends and family and most importantly my sons.

I am different. I have a hard time expressing the whys or the hows. I am different in a better way for my own peace of mind. My ability to see and feel things around me has changed. I conquered more than I had anticipated. I understand my strength and when sense weakness from others I secretly pass on my strength and silently tell them they will also push through and be well.  

I'm free. That's the best I can describe all of it.  

I am freed! 

exhilarating and terrifying

The ride or the journey is only half the story. Then there's the final destination that you had zero expectations about. No expectations is the only way to live! 

There are the unintended feelings that bubble over and remind you it's not over.  It never needs to be over.

We never need to settled in any aspects of our life. 

What are we waiting for?

We can create beauty everywhere we are.  Sometimes it's scary, the journey and often it can be intense and even overwhelming.  

I am not sure why it needs to be like this, but the process should always be embraced whatever we need. WE NEED TO NOT BE STAGNANT. 

It is only when we are faced with the most unanticipated challenges do we grasp our strength to both succeed and survive.  We discover how simple change becomes.

The colors in our life become brighter! 

A perfect mind body transformation simontanouesly.  

Comprehending how anyone can live otherwise is perplexing.

Why don't they see what I see, know what I know?

  

I have a duty to live like I've never lived before.  

Survival plants seeds of light, how they grow is not our choice.  

I have zero judgments. What others think they know about me before I walked a brand new path is irrelevant.

I am not the same. Remember this. It is terrifying and exhilarating all at once.  

My ability to manifest change and be more of what I'm intended to be is daunting.

Be mindful of what you don't know. Those answers will come instantaneously. 

& Change will follow......

facing the facts

Cancer is nothing.  

It took nothing from me.  

It gave me everything I needed except one thing.

Cancer gave me wisdom.

It gave me strength.

It gave me compassion, empathy and perspective.

It did not however prepare me for what would come.

Cancer is why I found myself in a worse predicament, it is why I was hurt more then I had ever been hurt in my entire life.

It was not emotional hurt, it was physical hurt. I was helpless, unable to move.  

My will to exist and be mentally strong was all I had to survive and save myself.

I was hurt due to a stupid accident, which I'll explain in detail in a moment. 

Emotionally, cancer prepared me, but it was my cancer the lead me on a path of pain.  

My internal strength, coping with cancer, made me think I was undestructible.  

The universe slapped me down to try to prove otherwise.  It slowed me down, but ofcourse I rose up once again.  I believed my will was in my mind and soul.  I learned it is deeper, my will thrives in an internal space somewhere I had not known existed.

I had no idea I would be forced to prove my resilience at the most unopportune time.

There was a moment before the accident that I felt a shift in my existence. An internal knowing that I had crossed over into another realm; a parallel universe, metaphorically.

It was while riding.  I felt the moment there was a shift and the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground, my neck in a brace, my body wasn't my own.  I could hear his voice calling my name, over and over, as if he didn't know if I'd survive.  

I was thrown off our new Harley swerving from an animal.  We hadn't even made the first payment and here I was broken.  I was extremely uncertain of my state.  

Although my memory is spotty leading up to the hospital stay, I remember vividly my thoughts of, "Is this it? Cancer didn't kill me, but my intention to live without boundaries did?  Am I in the room designated for the patients they can't help?" 

My will was strong facing my reality and finally I was told I had 9 broken ribs, 2 in multiple places.  Well, no wonder I am in so much damn pain.  "Help me!" I verbalized this to a nurse.  "Nine broken ribs and you haven't given me anything stronger for the pain?" At one point they tried to flip me over to check for further damage.  "No, NO, NO!"  There was no way.  I could not move without being in excruciating pain. They lost that battle, my butt would need to wait.

The PT and OT had me walking in a day.  I barely made it the first time and walked further later in the day. I needed to get to the bathroom and manage on my own.  That was my only life goal those first few days.  

Each day I was determined to do more, pushed to get better and forced myself to rest without concern.  I needed to get home for my kids for Thanksgiving break. My mind was set. 

After 4 days of terrible TV,  decent food service, round the clock vitals checked and a loud 98 year old roommate, named Majorie, who did not like being touched, I escaped the hospital trauma center, located across the state.  

Ten days later I was prepping a turkey.  It hurt like hell, but my oldest son helped put the turkey in the oven and pulled it out as often as needed.  My youngest helped clean.  And my sister came and filled in the blanks.  It came together and it was our first Thanksgiving in our new home.  Almost one year to the day we moved in.  I wasn't going to allow Thanksgivng to fade away, we did it as a family and it was better than I'd imagined.  I didn't know how, I only knew it would be.

I share this because I was so concerned my accident would become a negative for my boys, instead I was able to churn it into something else.  I became a walking testament of strength and will and courage.  

Nothing is impossible with a limitless mindset. 

I wasn't scared.  I was alive. I was capable of being exactly who I was meant to be.  I surprised myself.  I didn't know I had it in me.  

Cancer suddenly seemed like no big deal. Amazing really.  How did something so emotionally trying not break me?  And then nine ribs? - no, not today.  

I healed and I am still healing.

Maybe the two combined experiences is what I needed to be whole, with a different understanding of my purpose here on earth.  

 

bald girl

That bald women.

There was a girl in my treatment waiting office rocking her bald head.  I observed cautiously as to not stare.  

She was beautiful.  Her significant other by her side.  She looked incredible despite the fact that she was dealing with cancer treatments and all the ugly side effects

We were two ships passing.  Me leaving, her entering.  I knew I would write about her as I secretly sent her well wishes.  

I wondered if I would ever rock a bald head.  I told myself, NO, but who knew what the future held.

I continue to lose my hair.  There is not much left of my curly locks.  I had this bright idea to color what was left of my hair, a cool shade of auburn.  Mainly to cover my gray roots.  

I made the mistake of not combing the dye through and it matted.  It was so bad I had to cut two huge tangled clumps of what was left of my lovely locks.  It was a somber moment.  

I have come to accept my hair loss.  It's only hair.  My hair is not who I am.  My hair is only a small part of me.  

I did prepare and purchased a few wigs way before I needed them.  One fun loving maroon with deep hues of violet.  I love it and rock it when the mood moves me. 

I also bought long brown flowy locks.  This is some sexy hair.  I have embraced the warmed it exudes. It's hard not to love a women with long brown flowing hair.  It looks the most natural with my skin tone.

I have a blond wig as well. It is shorter and adorable.  It amazes me the second looks a gal gets with a blond head of hair.  Really not what I'd expect, but it's interesting to watch when I'm paying attention. 

I have learned regardless if I throw on a hat or a wig or just go au natural and pull what's left of my hair in an Itty bitty pony tail, it's still me,  but it's a different me.  It's whoever I want to be.  

I can be fun, free loving, serious or chill.  I can morph into any version of myself.  My image is completely up to me.

My next step is to cut my hair short,  touch up my gray and go full on Pink style.  Why? Because I have never done it and why the heck not?  I think I like the versatility of trying new looks more now than I would if I didn't have cancer.  

If anyone needs to deal with chemo, they may as well make the experience something exciting.  Make it better then anyone would expect.  

I love all my looks and have seriously considered keeping all of them even when my hair is back to normal.  

Whatever that is.   

.

surround yourself

Surround sound.  
Surround beauty.
Surround yourself.

....with everything that breathes goodness into your life.

Find the nuggets of joy in everything you do.  It can be small, big or somewhere in between.

Reject the negativity and low energy vibrations that hold you down and make you question your survival.  

Breathe life into the day and pray for the clarity to do the things that bring peace, love and joy. 

This is cliche. I understand that.  Cliches are in themselves mantras for a better life.

Life can be hard and messy.  

Life can also be easy and neat. 

I have steadfast listened to my voice within and I obey what it tells me, more often since my diagnosis. 

My soul yearns for answers that my mind refuses to question, therefore I am purely reliant on the internal knowing of what to do next.

That knowing is impressed upon me like a guide or a vision within my inner being. 

It will not show me what is to come, it will only get me to the next step.  The destination is still unknown.  

I have come to believe only honesty will set us free from our mental chains.

Being honest about what is needed, what is wanted and what is meant to end.  It needs to be raw, uninterrupted honesty.  

No doubts. No buts. No only ifs. 

Dig deep and believe your own voice when it tells you your truth and do not waiver from your truth.  Feeling uneasy is a state of mind.  Smooth it over and the peace 

unfolds naturally. Elegantly.  Like a flower that knows exactly how to bloom and when.  

Life is not what we do.

Life is not who we are.

Life is being true to our heightened senses of ...... internal awareness.  

 

the cancer card

The Big "C"

Why does it need to be so big?

Cancer has so much negative connotation that it gets morphed into so many things. The more it creeps into our society's lives the bigger it becomes.

Cancer had become it's own entity.  

We breathe life into something that should be put to rest.

However, flipping Cancer over on it's side and crafting it's life given nature, magically crafts a tool to be used during the most opportune times.  

THE CANCER CARD!!!

Let's be fair.  The word cancer evokes emotion.  

Fear - 😨

Care - 🤗

Sadness 😪

Hopelessness - 🥺

Understanding - 😘

WORRY - 😟 

EMPATHY - 🥰

We all relate on some sort of emotional level.  

Possibly someone you cared for has died from cancer.  Perhaps you had it or fear that you will.  

Since Cancer comes in so many shapes and forms we never know exactly what a person's cancer entails without asking more questions.  Asking questions can be evasive so without more information there can potentially be a block.  

An emotional wall of misunderstanding.

Cancer! 
That is a Card! 
Hold it up.

Create an emotional blockage wall.

It will either push people away or pull them in as soon as you hold up that card and it  allows for an shift energy.

 It stops them in their tracks. 

I have used this card on occasion.  

It rarely works with my own family as they know it's only an excuse.  It translates to mom needs help. Please help me!! 🙏 

I have used it in situations that I needed help to allow me space or allow me to escape.  Escape?  Now what does that even mean?

My "Cancer Card" became a tool on the day I needed it the most and I must say I do not regret it one bit.

My Cancer Card Story:

I planned a mini weekend staycation to spend some much needed time with my college roomier who was visiting with her beautiful daughters. 

When I checked in to our beachside hotel, I was offered a free cruise and a week long vacation to listen to the brief blah, blah, blah.  Honestly, I heard free and vacation and of course I said where and when and made the dreaded decision to put myself through a time share sales seminar.  

I have done these before and at one point, years ago, I purchased an old school week timeshare and enjoyed many wonderful vacations.  

I have since lived and learned and feel planning my own vacation is by far an easier process.  I do enjoy a good deal and even encouraged my college roommate to join me in the process.  

We had the entire weekend to catch up why not add a future trip in the mix?  What the pesky timeshare folks did not know was teaming us up, two strong, independent single women would be to their demise.

We politely listened to our very nice sales man trying hard to be our friend. We patiently sat for a well planned out PowerPoint presentation with a second seasoned engaging salesman. He assured us this was a 'zero' pressure process.  

Fundamentally, it could have been a good deal if they had only offered up the cost a tad early in the process. 44K for air was simply not in our budget.

Back with sales dude number one, towards the end of our time, and after pushing for our social security numbers, (which we 

of course didn't provide) our patience was at it's limit.

Enter third sales guy.  He sits in front of us and shows us a final number to insult our intelligence.  Let's just say.... Florida did begin selling swap land, so why not finance points on paper?   

My girlfriend played bad cop, while I played good.  She put the final sales guy on edge when she asked why they were so pushy when we were promised no pushy salesmanship?? She debated with the guy briefly and once again expressed her desire to not make a purchase.

The exasperated timeshare salesman looks at me with a touch of defeat, as he musters up a glimmer of hope, looks at me and asks, "How about you? How do you feel about this final offer?" He looks at me as he pushes the final, much lower, offer towards me to review.  

I stated exactly what I was feeling, openly and honestly.  

I AM Sooooo TIRED!!!

****pause****

I Have CANCER! 

With that, the guy stopped talking. We politely stood up and claimed our prize! 

We eagely exited the 11th floor to enjoy the rest of the day with our kids.

That folks is a well played Cancer Card. 

my sons

Before I recieved my official diagnosis there was a space of time I was I'm limbo; I knew the probability of what it would be, but I wasn't in the position to be open with my boys until I was certain.

This was, by far, the most difficult aspect of my journey.  

I share most everything with my sons and I am proud of our honesty together as a family. 

I was nervous I'd burden them, but I also needed them to understand life would change, but we'd be okay.  

I would be okay.  

I think back remembering my fears knowing I did not want my boys to feel that fear.

Four months later and I now know I handled the process as well as I could.  

My sons have been my strength in many respects.  

They are the reason I am stronger.  

They are the reason I have courage.  

They are my foundation in this journey.  

The moment I knew I had to process cancer in my life was the same moment I processed the thought of not being there for my sons.  It broke me down to pieces.  

'I would never leave them.' 

That was a concrete fundamental truth.

I began to rebuild my emotional state, my perspective and my life, piece by piece.

MY BOYS

My oldest turns 15 in two months.  He makes me laugh because he gets it, yet he can spin life into a lighthearted banter.  

He loves with his whole heart and expects nothing in return.  I never knew I would be as proud of him as I am, simply for being himself.  

We are similar in so many respects that we understand one another immensely.  

He will make cancer jokes feel so natural, coming from a place of love.  As if laughing releases all the negativity associated with the disease.  

He can talk to his friends about cancer as if it is the most normal aspect of his life.  I know he gets this from me.  I know he is handling things well.  

My oldest is an extension of myself, but so much more as young man. 

He will thrive and find peace.

In our home, cancer is one of many things in our lives.  It is not the only thing.  This is our survival and this is how we move forward.

My younger son, who is nearly 11, is different. He will joke with us, however, he will also worry and take care.  He is resilient and sensitive.  I honestly do not know the impact all this will have on him until he is older.  

My goal is to ensure he doesn't remember this being a negative time, but more of an honest and bonded time.  There are lots of Love Yous and Hugs and questions.  He will scold his brother to care for me if he knows I'm having a rough day.  

My younger son is intuitively wise and will move mountains for me one day.  He is the one I worry about at times, although I also sense his experience will alter his future in a positive way.  I want my baby boy to understand no matter what happens in life, our perspective and attitude will change our minds on how we choose to live our lives. 

My younger son is a natural born leader.  I envision him influencing many people as he gets older regardless of his chosen path.  

I pause and I smile.  

If I am 'cancer' as my boys refer to me as in jest.  

I'm fearless, without burden.  

I am light, I am free, I am life.