bald girl

That bald women.

There was a girl in my treatment waiting office rocking her bald head.  I observed cautiously as to not stare.  

She was beautiful.  Her significant other by her side.  She looked incredible despite the fact that she was dealing with cancer treatments and all the ugly side effects

We were two ships passing.  Me leaving, her entering.  I knew I would write about her as I secretly sent her well wishes.  

I wondered if I would ever rock a bald head.  I told myself, NO, but who knew what the future held.

I continue to lose my hair.  There is not much left of my curly locks.  I had this bright idea to color what was left of my hair, a cool shade of auburn.  Mainly to cover my gray roots.  

I made the mistake of not combing the dye through and it matted.  It was so bad I had to cut two huge tangled clumps of what was left of my lovely locks.  It was a somber moment.  

I have come to accept my hair loss.  It's only hair.  My hair is not who I am.  My hair is only a small part of me.  

I did prepare and purchased a few wigs way before I needed them.  One fun loving maroon with deep hues of violet.  I love it and rock it when the mood moves me. 

I also bought long brown flowy locks.  This is some sexy hair.  I have embraced the warmed it exudes. It's hard not to love a women with long brown flowing hair.  It looks the most natural with my skin tone.

I have a blond wig as well. It is shorter and adorable.  It amazes me the second looks a gal gets with a blond head of hair.  Really not what I'd expect, but it's interesting to watch when I'm paying attention. 

I have learned regardless if I throw on a hat or a wig or just go au natural and pull what's left of my hair in an Itty bitty pony tail, it's still me,  but it's a different me.  It's whoever I want to be.  

I can be fun, free loving, serious or chill.  I can morph into any version of myself.  My image is completely up to me.

My next step is to cut my hair short,  touch up my gray and go full on Pink style.  Why? Because I have never done it and why the heck not?  I think I like the versatility of trying new looks more now than I would if I didn't have cancer.  

If anyone needs to deal with chemo, they may as well make the experience something exciting.  Make it better then anyone would expect.  

I love all my looks and have seriously considered keeping all of them even when my hair is back to normal.  

Whatever that is.   

.

surround yourself

Surround sound.  
Surround beauty.
Surround yourself.

....with everything that breathes goodness into your life.

Find the nuggets of joy in everything you do.  It can be small, big or somewhere in between.

Reject the negativity and low energy vibrations that hold you down and make you question your survival.  

Breathe life into the day and pray for the clarity to do the things that bring peace, love and joy. 

This is cliche. I understand that.  Cliches are in themselves mantras for a better life.

Life can be hard and messy.  

Life can also be easy and neat. 

I have steadfast listened to my voice within and I obey what it tells me, more often since my diagnosis. 

My soul yearns for answers that my mind refuses to question, therefore I am purely reliant on the internal knowing of what to do next.

That knowing is impressed upon me like a guide or a vision within my inner being. 

It will not show me what is to come, it will only get me to the next step.  The destination is still unknown.  

I have come to believe only honesty will set us free from our mental chains.

Being honest about what is needed, what is wanted and what is meant to end.  It needs to be raw, uninterrupted honesty.  

No doubts. No buts. No only ifs. 

Dig deep and believe your own voice when it tells you your truth and do not waiver from your truth.  Feeling uneasy is a state of mind.  Smooth it over and the peace 

unfolds naturally. Elegantly.  Like a flower that knows exactly how to bloom and when.  

Life is not what we do.

Life is not who we are.

Life is being true to our heightened senses of ...... internal awareness.  

 

the cancer card

The Big "C"

Why does it need to be so big?

Cancer has so much negative connotation that it gets morphed into so many things. The more it creeps into our society's lives the bigger it becomes.

Cancer had become it's own entity.  

We breathe life into something that should be put to rest.

However, flipping Cancer over on it's side and crafting it's life given nature, magically crafts a tool to be used during the most opportune times.  

THE CANCER CARD!!!

Let's be fair.  The word cancer evokes emotion.  

Fear - 😨

Care - 🤗

Sadness 😪

Hopelessness - 🥺

Understanding - 😘

WORRY - 😟 

EMPATHY - 🥰

We all relate on some sort of emotional level.  

Possibly someone you cared for has died from cancer.  Perhaps you had it or fear that you will.  

Since Cancer comes in so many shapes and forms we never know exactly what a person's cancer entails without asking more questions.  Asking questions can be evasive so without more information there can potentially be a block.  

An emotional wall of misunderstanding.

Cancer! 
That is a Card! 
Hold it up.

Create an emotional blockage wall.

It will either push people away or pull them in as soon as you hold up that card and it  allows for an shift energy.

 It stops them in their tracks. 

I have used this card on occasion.  

It rarely works with my own family as they know it's only an excuse.  It translates to mom needs help. Please help me!! 🙏 

I have used it in situations that I needed help to allow me space or allow me to escape.  Escape?  Now what does that even mean?

My "Cancer Card" became a tool on the day I needed it the most and I must say I do not regret it one bit.

My Cancer Card Story:

I planned a mini weekend staycation to spend some much needed time with my college roomier who was visiting with her beautiful daughters. 

When I checked in to our beachside hotel, I was offered a free cruise and a week long vacation to listen to the brief blah, blah, blah.  Honestly, I heard free and vacation and of course I said where and when and made the dreaded decision to put myself through a time share sales seminar.  

I have done these before and at one point, years ago, I purchased an old school week timeshare and enjoyed many wonderful vacations.  

I have since lived and learned and feel planning my own vacation is by far an easier process.  I do enjoy a good deal and even encouraged my college roommate to join me in the process.  

We had the entire weekend to catch up why not add a future trip in the mix?  What the pesky timeshare folks did not know was teaming us up, two strong, independent single women would be to their demise.

We politely listened to our very nice sales man trying hard to be our friend. We patiently sat for a well planned out PowerPoint presentation with a second seasoned engaging salesman. He assured us this was a 'zero' pressure process.  

Fundamentally, it could have been a good deal if they had only offered up the cost a tad early in the process. 44K for air was simply not in our budget.

Back with sales dude number one, towards the end of our time, and after pushing for our social security numbers, (which we 

of course didn't provide) our patience was at it's limit.

Enter third sales guy.  He sits in front of us and shows us a final number to insult our intelligence.  Let's just say.... Florida did begin selling swap land, so why not finance points on paper?   

My girlfriend played bad cop, while I played good.  She put the final sales guy on edge when she asked why they were so pushy when we were promised no pushy salesmanship?? She debated with the guy briefly and once again expressed her desire to not make a purchase.

The exasperated timeshare salesman looks at me with a touch of defeat, as he musters up a glimmer of hope, looks at me and asks, "How about you? How do you feel about this final offer?" He looks at me as he pushes the final, much lower, offer towards me to review.  

I stated exactly what I was feeling, openly and honestly.  

I AM Sooooo TIRED!!!

****pause****

I Have CANCER! 

With that, the guy stopped talking. We politely stood up and claimed our prize! 

We eagely exited the 11th floor to enjoy the rest of the day with our kids.

That folks is a well played Cancer Card.