FREED

My last treatment was January 31st. 

It was anticlimactic. 

I felt it should have been more of a relief.

The weight of my diagnosis was so heart stopping, there was no way getting to the other side of it would compare. Ending something bad that I worked so hard to normalize for my family simply became a part of my life that I was no longer going to need. 

It was good, but not good enough. I rang that silly bell. I took my photo. I would never forget the process or the haunting memories of potentially not being there for my family. It was real and surreal at the same time. I ended this chapter quietly within my heart and soul. 

I now have a new beginning.

My body will bounce back better than ever.

But was this enough?  

 

I had already taken 'good' scans about 4 or 5 treatments before I was completely done with all twelve. This means my cancer was gone, but the chemo would still continue for a few months. 

It was a bittersweet reality; one I did not feel excited about. 

'Yeah. You're cured, but please continue to put poison in your body. 

Finish this ordeal, just in case.'

This is why I felt conflict.  

I made the decision to take my family on a vacation at the end of the year. My hope initially involved being complete with chemo treatments. The accident prevented that from being a reality, however I felt a need to push forward and make the year end on a positive note. 

2021 would not be the year I was sick or had broken bones; it would be the year my family spent New Years Eve in New York City. I did this to change the narrative of how we'd recall this period of our lives. I changed our minds.  

O4f course, outside of my crazy hair color changes and my shorter hair, my kids really didn't know much about my treatment schedules as they were in school. Also, if I was not feeling 100%, sores, my stomach, or just not myself, life was normal, at least for my boys. I did that with intent, yet I still needed to end the year on a high note. Probably just as much for my own well being as for them.

I felt compelled to make significant memories in a place I already loved and was close to my heart. My mission was more than successful. I made the best decisions possible at that time.

Today, I am ready to live 2022 healthy, happy, with better perspective, and more compassion. I am choosing to be in the moment, more mindful and more deliberate in all that I choose. I will not take anything for granted, including friends and family and most importantly my sons.

I am different. I have a hard time expressing the whys or the hows. I am different in a better way for my own peace of mind. My ability to see and feel things around me has changed. I conquered more than I had anticipated. I understand my strength and when sense weakness from others I secretly pass on my strength and silently tell them they will also push through and be well.  

I'm free. That's the best I can describe all of it.  

I am freed!